When you find out – or are told – that the man or woman you love is an alcoholic, many thoughts run through your head. There’s the stigma still attached to alcoholism, the fear of disgrace, shame, worries about physical and mental abuse, wondering just how bad the alcoholism is and – can you really live with an alcoholic? Do you even want to put yourself through all that might entail? These are tough questions, since your decision has long-term ramifications. Before making any choice – to stay or to leave – consider the following.
The Issue of Trust
Is your loved one, your spouse, significant other or romantic interest, someone you trust? This is a critical element of any long-lasting relationship, especially for married individuals, couples living together, and those with children. For a love interest, trust is something that develops over time. Depending on how new the relationship is when you learn that the person is an alcoholic, it may be easier to walk away, since little, if any, trust may have been solidified. Bottom line: If there’s no trust, there’s nothing to build on. Trust is the bedrock of a relationship.
How do you know if you still trust the person you’ve learned is an alcoholic? There are several ways. Ask yourself the following questions:
• Do you find yourself calling to check up on the alcoholic?
• Do you go through receipts, bank and credit card statements, the phone bill, looking for evidence of where he or she has been and what the expenditures or time is for?
• Do you constantly smell his or her breath, monitor body language, and look for any signs of motor impairment?
• Do you fear for your own personal safety or that of your children?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are your trust in the individual is either gone or rapidly diminishing. But this doesn’t have to spell the end of the relationship. Trust can be rebuilt, but it isn’t easy. And it isn’t something you can generally do very successfully on your own. Rebuilding trust takes time and professional counseling.
What other considerations are there to whether you can live with an alcoholic? Read on.
Know what you’re in for
Think about all you know about alcoholism. Unless you’ve already had to deal with it, due to a family member or friend with alcoholism, you probably only have a vague understanding of the disease. And, it is a disease – just as cancer, heart disease and diabetes are diseases. Genetics or family history plays a part as well, predisposing some individuals to becoming alcoholics. But children growing up in alcoholic families may just as easily never become alcoholics themselves. Researchers are actively studying the link between genetics, family history and development of alcoholism.
• Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic – What happens with diseases? If they’re not treated, they get worse. It’s as simple as that. So, first on the list of what you know, or think you know, about alcoholism is that it’s a progressive disease. It won’t stop or go away on its own. Even with treatment, the person will always be an alcoholic – but he or she will be a recovering alcoholic. This is important to remember, since it may weigh heavily on your decision. Can you support the individual in his or her recovery? This doesn’t refer to financial support. The alcoholic needs your unconditional love and emotional support during treatment and recovery. It is the single-most important factor in his or her sobriety after admitting they have a problem with alcohol and committing to get help.
• You cannot change the alcoholic – No matter how good your intentions, or how much you love the individual, the simple fact is that you cannot change the alcoholic. This is a decision that rests solely with the alcoholic. If you decide to live with the alcoholic, you can be supportive of his or her decision to get treatment, or learn as much as you can about the disease, treatment and recovery so that you can be in a position to be supportive, or you can delude yourself with denial of the problem and think that it will go away. It won’t. Until the person admits that he or she has a problem with alcohol and makes the decision to go into treatment, there’s nothing you can do to hurry the process along. Sure, you can make threats to leave, but that’s a negative inducement, hardly conducive to real change. Change comes from within – in this case, within the alcoholic.
• Living with alcoholism is a tightrope – Let’s face it. It’s not an easy road to follow when you’re living with an alcoholic. Despite promises to “quit drinking” or “cut down,” unless the alcoholic goes into treatment, things will just continue on the way they have been for some period of time, or they will get dramatically worse very quickly. Sooner or later, the bouts of forgetfulness due to alcoholic blackouts, the wild mood swings, verbal and/or physical abuse, financial problems, employment and/or legal difficulties, and the negative effects on you and any children will escalate to the point of no return. Living through this, you will find yourself seeking to find ways to cope with the alcoholism. Coping mechanisms that you select may actually enable the alcoholic. If you buy alcohol for him or her, make excuses to friends, family or employer about your partner’s drinking, tell yourself it’s not really that big a problem, or blame yourself for the problem, these are enabling behaviors. A better way is to get help yourself so that you can make better choices in dealing with the alcoholic. You may want to consider attending Al-Anon meetings (or call them at 1-888-4AL-ANON) – or at least research what’s available on the internet.
• Be prepared for schizophrenic behavior – Some days things will go relatively smoothly. There may not be any incidents for a while, leading you to falsely believe that things have gotten better. They haven’t. It’s just been a lull. Before long, your seemingly together partner’s behavior will devolve into recriminations, argumentativeness, suspicion, anger, possibly even violence. Then, it will swing back into begging for forgiveness, promises to stop or even get help – promises that will go unfulfilled. In short, you will be living with what appears to be two (or more) different persons. There’s the person you know and love, and the vastly different person under the influence of alcohol. In this case, it is true what they say about alcohol: it brings out the worst in a person. Ask anyone who’s lived with an alcoholic (who didn’t get treatment) for years and they’ll tell you what they’ve had to endure.
• Alcoholism is painful – The disease is painful for the alcoholic, but also for the partner and family of the alcoholic. Not only does alcoholism cloud judgment, impair motor skills, result in short-term memory loss and other emotional problems, the physical deterioration and onset of potentially life-threatening heart attack, cirrhosis of the liver, stroke and other diseases is almost inevitable. Living with the alcoholic going through this downward spiral takes its toll on you and the family. How can it not? You’re watching someone you love completely blow his or her life potential in pursuit of the bottle’s empty promise.
• You didn’t cause the problem – One thing to remember about your partner’s alcoholism is that you are not the cause. This isn’t a failure due to your action or inaction. It doesn’t have anything to do with how much you love the individual, or your willingness to stand by him or her. Alcoholism is the responsibility of the alcoholic – and only the alcoholic can change the condition. Shouldering responsibility or blame for an alcoholic’s problem is only loading burden onto yourself that you don’t deserve – and it will only drag you down emotionally. Buying into the belief that you are the reason your partner drinks only enables his or her drinking.
What Can You Do?
There are several steps you can take to 1) help you make your decision to live with or leave the alcoholic, 2) learn to cope with the effects of alcoholism on you and the family, 3) improve your mental state and emotional well-being so that you can be supportive during the alcoholic’s recovery process.
• Don’t go it alone – Talk with someone you trust about the problem. This could be a family member, trusted friend, member of the clergy – or a psychiatrist or counselor trained in dealing with spouses of an alcoholic. Seek support of others in your position by attending Al-Anon meetings.
• Educate yourself – Buy or download literature, books, pamphlets, CDs and DVDs on the subject of living with alcoholism, how to deal with an alcoholic partner, coping mechanisms, what to do and not do, and other topics. Go on sites such as the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA), order NIDA publications or call them at 1-877-NIDA-NIH (1-877-643-2644), the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Center for Substance Abuse Prevention, and SAMHSA’s Center for Substance Abuse Treatment. These are good starting points to learn more about alcoholism, treatment and recovery.
• Be ready – When and if your partner is ready to seek treatment, you can be ready with a list of treatment facilities. To begin, check out the SAMHSA Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator or call them at 1-800-662-HELP for assistance with a treatment referral.
• Safeguard your security – If ever there’s an instance of physical and/or mental abuse, resolve to take steps to safeguard your security and that of your children. Don’t just sit there and take it – that’s putting everyone in serious jeopardy. Have a list of phone numbers handy, including a friend or family member where you can stay, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a counselor, Al-Anon member or others. Make sure you have a plan to leave so that you can do so without further endangering you or the children. Never antagonize an alcoholic, especially when he or she is intoxicated.
• Take care of yourself – You’ll be in it for the long haul, so you need to keep yourself healthy in body, mind and spirit. Don’t neglect what’s important to you while you are being supportive of your alcoholic partner’s treatment and recovery, or while you are hoping and praying for him or her to make the decision to get help. Take time out to enjoy your hobbies, engage in rigorous physical exercise, stimulate your mind by taking a class, do yoga or meditation, and make time to see friends. Remember that you are an integral part of the relationship that is you and your partner. Both of you need to be healthy and work toward solidifying your future. At this point, it’s up to you to take care of you.
• Remember there is always hope – Whether you ultimately decide to leave or stay, it’s important to remember that there is always hope for the alcoholic in recovery. While the individual may come to the realization and recognition that he or she wants and needs help, it may not happen for quite some time – or, you may be long gone when it does. The decision to live with or leave an alcoholic is one that will be tough for you to make, and it won’t come easily. There can be a better tomorrow for all concerned. For now, it’s up to you to determine your capability, determination and willingness to go through what’s ahead in your relationship.
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