By Catherine H. Knott, Ph.D.
K. is the principal and head teacher of a small charter school. She is fiercely protective both of her school and the children in it. She is creative, dedicated, and a gifted teacher and artist. She is also alcoholic. Her gifts to her community are many; and she tamed the worst of the monster years ago. But it still crouches within, ready to spring on her when her stress levels get beyond what she can manage. She said with a sigh, not so long ago, “I’m drinking too much again. I know I am. I’ve got to stop.”
Her alcoholism was compounded early on by other forms of substance abuse: marijuana, cocaine, and other drugs. Partying was perhaps one of the few forms of recreation available in the remote rural area where she lives, which was even more isolated when she first moved there. A group of neighbors got together frequently for poker and pot, drinking, and experimenting with other drugs. She’s given that up now.
But like so many people who drink and abuse drugs, she had grown up in a household where a parent abused alcohol. She admits she has many of the traits of an adult child of an alcoholic. She’s a perfectionist, controlling, and afraid when she can’t be in control. She typically has a hard time delegating, wanting always to make sure that everything is done right, because she grew up in a home where many things were not done right at all. One of those things was the way she was raised. Her father created a reign of terror when she was a young girl, even holding her head under water and threatening to drown her. That behavior is now considered torture. He trespassed against the boundaries of her body through unsafe behaviors and harsh discipline; he trespassed against the boundaries of her heart through a lack of caring expressed in appropriate, safe, and responsible ways.
She escaped that life, took her first child and moved as far away from her family of origin as she could. With hard work and a fierce ability to survive rugged conditions in a remote area, she bought land and made a new life for herself. But she couldn’t leave all her early, unspoken sorrows behind.
As a result, K. has emerged as a strong leader, with a damaged heart. She is strong – she survived that childhood, after all – and she has been able to grow her school and nurture many of her students through her zeal and dedication to her work. But in certain areas of her life – those closest to home, her behavior sometimes verges on the bizarre as she aggressively protects the outer boundaries of her life – the road that leads to her house, and her property. She kicked a man so badly during a dispute over the road next to her property that another neighbor had to take him to the hospital. She has cut down neighbors’ fences, trees, and once, a whole line of beautiful spruce on a neighbor’s property without asking permission, because of an argument about where the road was placed. Her neighbors get angry but are afraid to confront her because of the rages she gets in during stressful times when she returns to the bottle. At the same time, they recognize her contributions to the community, and don’t want to diminish her work. “We stay away from her when she is under stress”.
These behaviors, and her infrequent rages, could undo all the good work she has done for the community, and could threaten to undo her own happiness and satisfaction.
K. is a step farther on the road to recovery than many alcoholics. She recognizes it, admits it, and seeks treatment sporadically. But she obviously needs more; she needs time to repair the broken boundaries of her heart, the places where trespass occurred and was never mended. Otherwise she will continue to try to fix those boundaries by projecting her fears and hurts outward, onto property boundaries and dirt roads whose defense will never mend her heart. Someone needs to listen to her hurts, and listen a lot. Perhaps a whole community needs to listen, and hear the unspoken sorrows of that child still within her. She needs more consistent help managing her stress levels, and she needs coaching to learn to give up some control and delegate the work overload that creates more stress in her life. She needs people to respect her boundaries, but also to be firm with her about their own boundaries, especially when she acts in ways that transgress society’s civil code of behavior. With a blend of firmness and support, her community can help her to continue to contribute, while learning to share and let go of the hurts that have persisted inside her. Then she can stop fighting shadows she fears will encroach upon her outward boundaries again, and put her energy back into the good work that she does for the children of her community.
REFERENCES:
Benton, Sarah Allen. 2009. Understanding the High-Functioning Alcoholic: Professional Views and Personal Insights. Westport, Connecticut: Praeger Publications.
Colleran, Carol, and Debra Jay. 2002. Aging and Addiction: Helping the Older Adult Overcome Alcohol or Medication Dependence. Center City, Minnesota: Hazelton.
Khantzian, Edward J. and Mark J. Albanese. 2008. Understanding Addiction as Self-Medication: Finding Hope Behind the Pain. Lanham, Maryland: Rowman and Littlefield, Publishers, Inc.
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